I'm sorry I've abandoned you.
There is not enough time to do everything; kids, cleaning, photographing, cooking, reading, living, blogging. And disciplining.
I'm having a quarter-life identity crisis. I've lost me. I've lost the sharp, pretty, eclectic, accessorized person I was and have become this dull, hungry, sometimes stifled, slightly pudgey, sloppy haired, and maybe too crunchy mom. Ok, maybe I'm not dull, but definitely not as bright as I was. Don't get me wrong on the crunchy part -- I like the choices I've made, and stand by many of them strongly (like birth).
But I don't want to be that woman who people see as a crazy hippy and is dismissed immediatly because I've been stereo typed. I've got to get me back. Not the early-twenties, head turning, sometimes provocative, sometimes a little on the wild side me. Just some of that confidence, and a bit of that quality that I can't describe. Or maybe it's a feeling.
On top of that - What do I want to do? I'm waffling. I want to be a photographer, be known, create great work. I want to be a mom to many. Both take years, time. I know I have time, but I long to start
really working on photography. Do I get help with the kids and limit my family size so I can persue my carreer sooner? Do I swallow that desire to build my business and let it continue to waft along, and only take what comes without any self-promotion? I can't do both, not successfully, and I'd rather do one excellently than do both on a mediocre level. And what of birth advocacy? I can't just let that drop.
And now, though I would love to write more, the oldest is jumping on furniture and rearranging the house for me. Off to clean. And cook. And photograph. And all the rest.
Comments (4)
I feel very much the same. I so want to pursue my Master's so that I can become an official librarian, but how do I fit in a hoard of children? I hate that, as women, we're forced to make this arbitrary choice. I'm not so sure if we can have it all? And I'm a little sad that all my lovely Anthropologie clothes are sitting in the closet as I can only wear sweats and the occasional cardigan. You're a wonderful photographer; I strongly believe that your business will not only succeed, it will thrive. If I lived around you, you'd be snapping pics of Charlotte everytime we had a spare dollar!
As I've said before, I think that funks are good. Reevaluation is good too . . . it's part of growing. No doubt, Melody, your mothering and photography talents are top notch. And on top of it all, you are so beautiful. From where I stand, I see you as being at the top of the world while making your trek through life. Keep your faith in yourself, no matter what choice it is you make for how to spend your time.
Now, I will stop dispensing advice and focus on being a good friend; that is, I will listen and laugh with you (our lives are quite funny sometimes, aren't they? I'm thinking Annabelle and Aryana pulling on each other wherever they go, only to hold hands, kiss, and beg not to leave each other the next, : -) ).
If you can arrange it, I think a few days away by yourself might help you figure some stuff out. Every situation seems clearer when you're removed from it.
When you get a chance, stop on over at Green Mamma. You've won an award!